September 12th, 2016
Asking a question. Should be an innocent thing to do. If you’re curious about something, why not ask a question about it? Well, you should be able to. But there are certain questions that should go unasked. Mainly this one.
Are you pregnant?
To answer this suddenly popular question… NO, I am not.
Thank you for asking?
Now can I go jump off of a cliff?
I had barely left my house today when a woman walking her dogs ever so bubbly asked this question. I was walking from my driveway, to the entrance into my neighborhood to catch the bus to my first day of work at a new job. I had never seen this woman before in my life. When I smiled, and said nope! She said “Oh, must be another lady that walks to the bus…she must be the one that’s pregnant.” Okay… so…. you have no way of knowing that I was on my way to the bus stop. Random???? Right….
This happened about 3 or so months ago when I was heading to a different bus stop, after a work day at a different job. I was actually feeling great that day. And then I walked by someone who asked me that question. Sigh…..
This is something that really should not bother me. I do realize I am not a thin girl. I wish I was trimmer. But, well do I really need to list a bunch of excuses as to why I am not? Let’s just say that I am my own worst enemy and demon and my mentality among other things have not been in a good place for a very long time. I’ve let a lot go, including weight management. Yay depression… Yay dealing with a lot of battles coming at me from all over the place. I have a lot of anger inside me. Anger over being in the most frustrating rut of my life. Over the fact that I am still living in my mother’s house. I am still single. While, I am perfectly fine being single, I’m kinda getting tired of being fine with being single. I turned 39 this year. I am getting too old for this. When is it going to be my turn? I have so many fears. Will I die before I truly feel what it’s like to be loved, so much, by another human being? Will I get out of this house and into my own place? Will I defeat all of my inner monsters, or will I finally give up completely?
Ugh.. I hadn’t intended on getting so deep and dark.
I have not blogged since November of last year. And, I really hadn’t intended to. But, I am trying this as a sort of therapy for myself. I’ve begun writing in an actual journal. Hand written. With pens, and well, my hand, on paper. But I decided to use this site as an outlet again as well. I don’t know how often I’ll blog. But, I’ll be around. More or less.
And just a reminder. No. I am not pregnant. I am just fat. Thank you.