It’s 2 in the morning and I am no where near ready for sleep. I’ve done so much sleeping this week. I just feel like staying up all night til I pass out and then I’ll probably sleep the day away tomorrow. There goes having a normal sleep routine. But for the night I’m not going to worry about it.
I keep thinking about the things I’ll never do again. The things I’m actually going to miss. Granted it’s not like I won’t ever have to wake up early to go to work. But I won’t have the routine I was so used to for 3.5 years anymore. I won’t wake up at 5:50 and catch the 6:44 bus to Fashion Valley. I won’t catch the 7:02 bus to Hazard Center. I won’t call my mom as I head up Frazee Road. I won’t rush to Einstein’s to get my usual bagel and coffee before heading over to the building. No more greeting the security guard with a friendly hello and a smile. No taking the elevator to the 10th floor as I get ready for a new day. No more commenting “Didn’t we just leave?” I will never swipe my keycard which would let me into my department. No more turning on the scanner, inserting my smart card, and turning on my computer while unlocking the mail room and supply room. No normal work day routines. Bringing claim kits up to Toni, exchanging hellos, turning the page on my page a day Bad Cat calendar. Staring out the window and breathing a sigh of relief because another day has come where I’m very thankful to have a job. To have a GOOD job. I’ll never scan a policy,miscellaneous,claims color documents, new policies, rescans…. Workman’s comp doctypes are nothing but a memory. Things like CORR,INV,BIND/ISS,AUDDISP,AUDPHY,APP….. just jargon from here on out… No more taking my strolls at break time, wondering if the picketers are out there again. “Rats in the building, rats go home!” Wandering to the grocery store to get lunch then heading back for the second have of lunch. Sitting in the break room with the lunch room regulars. Killing time by talking to whoever’s covering lunch at the front desk. Happily leaving at 4:30 while the rest are envious. Heading to the trolley to either head home or to class. I won’t be able to talk to KiKi at Bean Voyage anymore. Gone.. everything is gone. Nothing but memories. I never thought I’d miss a job so much. I miss it like I miss a relationship. It’s still so surreal. I know I wasn’t the best at keeping good attendance. I let too much get to me in my personal life. But I gave the job my all regardless. I’ve dealt with a lot of hard times in the past couple years but I tried so hard not to let it hurt me. Believe it or not ex boss. I truly did value my job. I know I slipped up but I never wanted it to cause me to get fired. Good luck finding a replacement. You were shortstaffed before. Now you’ve shot yourself in the foot because you know I was always happy to help out with extra work and reaching goals. I was really excited to accomplish things that were sometimes near impossible. I liked being part of a company that was like family to me. You took that away from me. Goodbye PEIC.

I had a saved entry I was going to post but after proofreading it I decided not to. Just to keep the site updated I’ll give a short update.

1. No longer seeing anyone. I’m much too mentally f’ed up to even handle dating. I guess it’s for the best. but.. It’s lonely.

2. lost my job. Went to work Tuesday morning only to be sent home with my final pay check.

3. Back to the job hunting drawing board.

I feel very sad. I loved that job a lot and the people I worked with. Almost 4 years of memories and feeling like I had accomplished something has been wiped away. I feel very much like a failure. I’m alone and I’m feeling very hopeless. I’m having a hard time feeling positive about anything because I feel empty. I went from being thankful for having a job that fulfilled me. Now I’m left wondering what I’m going to do. I feel the worst kind of rejection and I’m scared.
I wish I had something good to blog about. February has turned out to be a very bad month and it’s only half over. I applied at a temp. agency today so I’m crossing everything that can be crossed that I hear back from them. I got my last job through a temp. agency. I would’ve gone through the same company but when I checked the job openings the only ones listed were for my last job. I’m going to miss my daily routines. I will never bitch about a job again. I’ll never complain about being SO busy and SO tired. I won’t take such things for granted. Not that I ever did before. But I surely won’t in the future. Please someone hire me. Make me feel like I deserve the air in my lungs again. I wish I had someone to hang out with so I can feel less invisible and more worthy of life. I wish I could make myself believe that everything will be ok. I just want to vanish. Failure is a horrible feeling.