I’ve had a lot on my mind the last few days. I wanted to type it all out but it’s personal thoughts that I felt I needed to keep to myself. But, the more I keep it to myself the more it hurts. In a nutshell. Death sucks. Now, I’ve been fortunate I guess. I haven’t lost a LOT as far as death goes in my life time. Both Grandparents on my mom’s side are gone, I’ve lost family members on my adopted dad’s side, I’ve lost co-workers, and friends, and I’ve lost my pets as well. So even though I haven’t lost as many as others, and some losses I choose not to blog about, it’s still hard each time it happens. This time hit me when I least expected it. But I guess that’s how it usually is right?

While browsing Facebook I saw a notification that a friend had posted something on my wall. Have you ever found out about the death of someone who was close like a friend but even closer like a mom via Facebook? I have. I read it moments after waking up from a nap. I was feeling groggy and when I read it I froze and was like WHAT?? I tried to shake the sleepy eyes away and focus on what I was reading. It couldn’t be real. I obviously was still dreaming. I still felt like I was dreaming. I wasn’t dreaming. It was real. I even went and searched an obituary. I was numb reading the date of death, November 25th, 2010. Why didn’t I know sooner? Because I’m here, in Florida, where I’m notorious for losing touch with everyone who means everything to me. My friend…. whom was like my California mom…..was so so so special to me. I felt so frozen. I wanted to force myself to react…to cry…to scream…to do anything….but I couldn’t. Until I went out to the livingroom to tell my mom. As soon as I started to say “Mom…..” the tears came and I could barely speak. I stumbled over words and at first my mom thought I was talking about my cat. Nope…. not my Abi….. but such a special friend of mine.

I felt like I was walking in a daze all day and all night. Not much fun for company that’s for sure. One moment I felt ok then I’d be attempting to be social and I’d run away sobbing. I spent many moments all through the weekend crying…remembering….it still hits me hard every time I think about it. Mary Kay was so much…. We were co-workers. She was a bit older, and she nurtured me the way a mom would. She helped me move, she helped me when I was afraid I was going to lose a utility or if I didn’t have food in my apartment. She welcomed me into her home where I met her son, Eddie. Such a nice young man. He graduated last year. I wish I could’ve been there. Earlier last year MK had a stroke. It changed her. But it didn’t change her spirit. She was worried that I wouldn’t be her friend anymore. How could I not be her friend? I loved her like she was family. You don’t turn your back on family. To other co-workers, when her job ended she was just a nice co-worker whom people would miss. But I still remained very close to her. My heart is so broken but I know that she knows that she NEVER lost me as a friend or as family.

I had a dream last night. It was a bit scattered and hard to explain, but basically, in the dream, she hugged me and said good bye, and said that it was ok. I feel like she was saying goodbye to me but I feel like the end hasn’t come yet. She’s still in my heart. So we never have to say goodbye. I’ll continue to cry but that’s just my heart letting her know that I’m always there for her just as much as she is for me, just like she told me in that dream. Maybe that sounds corny but…… it’s my words so…whatever….

I’ll see you again my friend.