Or should I say… things I’ve come to learn that people think of me…via a Facebook Truth Game app.

I’m cute
My SAT score is higher than 1500 (ha!!)
I’m fun to be around
Someone would hook up with me (who??)
I would not fart secretly in public
I do not party too much
I have showered today
I’m not greedy
I would not turn someone in to the FBI. Hmm good for you? maybe good for me who knows?
I would not trip you to save myself whilst being chased by a bear (lol)
I should have kids
I’m cute
I like blue eyes (yes I do lol)
I don’t have a bad haircut
I have a nice smile (awww shucks)
I wasn’t a dork in school (ha that’s what you think)
I would help an elderly woman cross the street
I’ve never lied in an interview
I’m not a liar
I can’t eat more than 3 Big Macs at one time (I can barely eat one! lol)
I’m not a gold digger
I speed when I’m driving (could count as good compared to being a granny driver lol)
I would not pull a fire alarm as a prank
I’ve never cheated on a test
I’ve kissed a guy
Someone would not date me
I don’t have soft hands (erm. I actually do)
I could be a gangster (hahahahahahahahahaha kitteh with scratch yo azz fo’ dat j/k)
I do not have a nice body
Someone could not beat me in a fight. (I am gangsta kitteh after all)
I’ve never slapped anyone (kitteh has claws)
Someone wouldn’t trust me with their life. (aw….that kinda sucks)
I’d pick my nose in public (ew no I wouldn’t.)

Will I ever find out who answered these questions? Doubtful unless I want to get sucked into FB’s app sand trap in order to unlock answers. I’ll continue to live with a bit of mystery, suspense, and a slight ego boost!

I’m not sorry because I’m not perfect. I’m not sorry because I don’t just have good days and bad days. I have good moments and bad moments. When I’m in a good one I’m happy, I’m chatty, I’m silly, I’m random. I talk a lot. When I’m going through a bad one I bitch, I cry, I rant, I rave, I’m sarcastic, I debate, I nitpick. I’m not sorry because you don’t like that. I’m just sorry because you’d rather continue to ridicule me than just walk away for good. The choice is yours. I’m doing the best that I can. I can only change when I’m meant to change. I don’t purposely do the things I do and say the things I say to piss the rest of the world off. It’s in my blood. It’s in my veins. It’s always been that way. Even when I’m truly happy there’s always a part of me ready to fall into bitch mode because the happiness never lasts.
Should I be sorry because it’s just who I am?

“No you shouldn’t be sorry… you should want to change it”

I’m sorry….. I’m doing the best I can at the moment.

Struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was starting to see it but I guess it burnt out. I’ve been dealing with depression, insomnia, anxiety, and panic issues for years. I was on medications that were helping me. I was also working, and feeling like I was actually living and that itself was great. Ever since I lost my job and had to rely on unemployment checks I’ve struggled to feel like I’m much of a person, let alone a worthy person. I was still on my meds though so as much as I don’t want to be the type of person who has to rely on medication, it was helping me. I’ve been off meds since July of 2010. Moving to Florida ended all of that. My doctor couldn’t keep with the refills anymore obviously because I wasn’t in San Diego anymore. I was w/o unemployment checks for a while so I couldn’t even attempt to try to find a clinic here and just pay out of pocket. I figured I didn’t need it. I’d be ok. I started back on my UI checks and felt better knowing I was doing something to help support myself and help my family out too.
But, I still wasn’t happy. Not being able to sleep good at night sucks. I rely on OTC meds now but they are nothing but a mind trick. I still struggle for hours every single night. My depression is back in full force. I’ve been having more and more panic/anxiety attacks, and I’m just overall a very unhappy person. I can still see the good things I have in my life but aside from that I’m struggling. I try not to focus on the bad stuff and just pretend that everything is ok but it’s getting harder and harder to do that. I wish I could talk to someone or see about getting some type of help because basically as of right now I feel like surrendering. I can’t make it on my own anymore. I’m trying as hard as I can but it hurts to wake up every day and go to sleep knowing I’m accomplishing NOTHING.

I’m happy for so many of the people I know who are getting engaged, getting promotions, getting married, having kids, buying new houses, finishing school, and just living life the way it’s supposed to be lived. Then when anyone asks me what I’ve been up…. I have NOTHING. I feel like such a loser… failure… pathetic. I live at home in my old room at my parents house. I can’t find a job and I’ve been cut off from UI so I don’t even have any funds to support myself. I’d call this rock bottom but I feel like I’ve fallen so much deeper. There are times I wish I could just not wake up. Yet there’s SOMETHING inside me that wants to keep going, or I just could never go through with doing something like that. Sometimes I wish some unexpected thing would happen and just take me off the planet completely. But I could never put my family through that. What bit of self worth do I have left and why do I keep holding on to it?

I want to wake up and just feel like I can accomplish anything. I want to actually wake up from a good full night of sleep. Not the broken up mess I’ve been enduring for so long. I don’t want to always feel like I’m making excuses when I say I can’t take a job because transportation-wise it’s really hard. I don’t want to justify why I won’t take a job just for the sake of taking it knowing the entire paycheck would go towards cab fare because of where most jobs are located. I’m sick of feeling like no one really gives a frick anyway. Everyone has their friends and I just kinda stick to myself. Because I’m just not happy enough for anyone. It’s the same ol’ thing. I’m alone because I’m unhappy and I’m unhappy because I’m alone.

I know I’m not TOTALLY alone……but even when I’m around the ones who make me feel like I’m something, in my head I’m still screaming to myself that I’m really nothing.