I had been procrastinating as far as typing out a final 2011 blog entry goes. But I got some last minute plans for tonight so I figured I better get a post up! Are you glad to be seeing the end of 2011? I’m pretty neutral. It wasn’t a horrible year. It wasn’t the best year either. I didn’t really accomplish a lot and there’s not many things that stand out. I got a job which I am thankful for every single day. I started to fall in love, but that didn’t last. I tested the waters with dating, and just letting myself LIVE for a change. I dealt with inner battles and will continue to deal with them in the new year. I made new friends and said goodbye to some as well. I lost someone very important to me, whom I miss every single day. And life continued to just keep rolling on. Here’s to making new wishes and dreams and doing whatever I can to make them happen. Let 2012 be THE year. Let it be awesome.

Whatever you do, if you go out tonight, have fun and be safe. Be smart, have fun, and make epic memories!

Happy New Year everyone

I wasn’t really going to blog about this, because while it’s something that’s been on my mind. It’s an issue I struggle to find the right words to talk about. I have this problem at times anyway. I’ll want to explain a certain way that I am at times, and words simply fail me. And then I go back and re-read what I’ve said and it makes no sense. Not to me anyway. But, while I’m feeling so “chatty” I’m going to get this out of my system.

To everyone out there. Guys AND ladies. Just because a person has days where they don’t feel pretty, or they’re having a really bad day and call themselves ugly. Does not mean that they are weak! I repeat. A moment of self doubt does not make a person weak!

So what is causing this blog entry? A situation that happened, and became part of the reason why a specific person and myself, did not continue…whatever the hell it was that we were doing. Dating? I guess.

A few weeks ago I had been talking to someone, who at the time was a possible person I’d eventually attempt dating. But due to distance issues, I never really took it that seriously. Not that I ever led this person on. They knew right away, the situation that I was in. Now, we had been talking since around the end of July. And we’d talk about the what if’s.. What if I happened to be in their town… what if they happened to be in mine. And one night it turned into a very lengthy…deep conversation. This person was getting a bit persistant and down right annoying about the whole situation. I had also made the person aware that I was currently attempting dating someone who actually lives here. Rather than like 7 hours away. So it was never a secret. Well this night when all of this crap happened, the fact that I was specifically saying NO to certain “desires” meant that I was obviously just leading this person on. When no, I had been honest and upfront all along. Since distance was such an issue, we’d just enjoy talking to each other, and that’s it. Nope, now all of a sudden there must be something wrong with me for me not to want to make the effort to go there (somewhere in the panhandle of Florida) to see this person. Why wouldn’t I want to shell out money to fly or take a bus up there just to have a fling? Specifically, a one night stand. Well, I got tired of being harassed about this whole situation. I ended the conversation, and I went to bed. The next morning, I woke up to some really nasty messages waiting for me. by text and a few other messages on Facebook. Basically I must really just be a very ugly fat ass girl who is so desperate to get attention. I get what I want and then drop the person who’s just trying to be “nice”. If that’s your version of nice? Wow. A few messages echoing how fat and ugly I am kinda stuck in my head. While I try not to let people get to me, I have enough of my own issues dealing with my weight and how I feel about myself. But I can also see the good parts of who I am too. However, that day, I woke up feeling off, not feeling so wonderful, and then reading that, over and over again. I felt angry, bitter and bitchy and I voiced a bit of it on my Facebook. Specifically (and perhaps immaturely) because this person was still friended on there, and I knew they’d see it. I’d let them see how I felt shortly before removing and blocking them for good. Well, the person I was currently trying to date read it, and took it the WRONG way. This person had commented “No you’re not” to me voicing how amused I was that someone had to tell me how ugly and fat I am in a message just because they weren’t getting their way. And when current date person posted saying that I’m not, I was still very ticked off and sarcastically said “Yeah I am” and something along the lines of how yeah I am fat. I’m not exactly cutting myself down. I can REALIZE the fact that I’ve gained weight. It’s not a slam. Why be in denial? It’s something I know that I can work on and fix. But the fact that I called myself “ugly” and “fat” in the current person’s eyes, made them think that I am weak. We’ll just refer to this person as “M” to avoid further confusion. M is looking for a strong woman and obviously I have a lot of issues, to call myself that. Now to back up a bit, that same day, I had tried to talk to M but I was getting the silent treatment. M was pretty upset over me calling myself such horrible things. And even though I tried to explain the situation. It wasn’t making it ok. Trying to explain that I simply had a BAD day and after ranting about it for it a bit, I was fine. Like, no one is allowed to have to have a bad day and think icky of themselves. Bad days don’t exist and you are never allowed to have an “ugly” day. I might have taken this a constructive criticism. Because truly, we should feel better about ourselves. And for the most part, I am ok in my own skin. But like I’ve said. I have bad days, just like ever other person out there. When it came down to it. The fact that this person totally shut me out of their life, and wouldn’t speak to me, because of this bad day… It really made me realize what type of person this M really is. And the saying really applies here. If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. Just because you wake up every day feeling like you are attractive and everything is AWESOME about you, doesn’t make you so much better than me, for having one day of struggle. Especially considering, the last time we had a “lunch date” M was in such a rotten mood. I didn’t want to be around this person. But I chalked it up to a bad day, I accepted it, and I tried to make things better. But I knew things were a bit off after that day anyway. Anywho going back to the whole thing. When I contacted M about the situation, and found out that the reason why I was getting the silent treatment, was because of that status message that was left WEEKS ago. I couldn’t believe something like that was being held over my head for so long. If you get angry and call things off for something as minor as that…. Good luck finding that “strong” person you want to find. You’re really not all that strong yourself. If you want to know the truth.. Or my opinion. You choose.

My whole point to this really long entry is….. Don’t fault a girl (or guy) for having moments where they feel bad about themselves. I deal with depression, and other “issues” every day of my life. Yeah I feel ugly on many days. Should I be punished for that? Don’t act like you are SO MUCH better just because you never go through days like that. Congrats. You have obviously never dealt with severe depression before. I have good days and bad days. Is anyone truly going to be “strong” enough to accept me for that? Or am I destined to be alone because something in me, at times, makes it hard to be happy?

And this begins the blog where I type about anything I want to because I feel very chatty…and random! And nothing good ever comes of the randomness, right? I caught myself being a bit too twitter chatty because I’m simply feeling that… chatty. I have no one to talk about nonsense and randomness to, so I guess I’ll talk to myself here. How ya doin’, Kitteh? No, I’m not going to be that specific (or lame) Ugh.

Anywho. I’m on day one of two days off, and it’s leaving me a bit… anxious. Not bad anxious just… anxious. I want to DO something. New Years Eve is almost here and I have no plans. I don’t know if I have to work on New Years Day, yet. But even if I do I still want some epic plans. I surely won’t have anyone to kiss at midnight. *eyeroll* but just because I’m a constant fail when it comes to the dating scene, doesn’t mean I want to sit alone in my room, being a loser. Nope. No thank you!

I know we all say it every year. Next year will be better, it’ll be different, it’ll be GOOD. And I’m going to have the same mentality again. I want it to be different…better… etc. I want to continue working on myself, inside out, all that jazz. I am started to do that now, I guess. I’m trying to be less lazy and get myself to be more active again. Guess what I got? Just Dance 3! I’ve missed dancing sooooo much. And while it’s not quite the same as my dance class days, it’s still fun and it definitely gets the heart rate up. I’m not gonna lie though. I kinda wish I had an Xbox 360 w/ Kinect so I could dance without having to hold onto something. BUT I’m definitely NOT complaining! I’ve had a blast dancing to a few of the songs, and attempting to memorize the steps so I can get better. I’ll be doing the 7 day challenge as well. AND I’m going to work on getting healthy food back into the house, tracking calories, and everything. I don’t want to be a fat girl anyone. I want to feel beautiful again! And this time, I truly want it for my self, FIRST.

Ok. I’m all talked out finally. Back to watching The Polar Express… Yes. Again. I’m that awesome

I just wanted to stop by and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! I know, Christmas will be over in less than two hours. But it’s officially STILL Christmas! I hope you had a nice day. Mine was good. Back to work tomorrow, and then I get two more days off! I’m watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation right now and getting ready to fall asleep soon. I drank some champagne and while it didn’t make me buzzed or drunk. That would be stupid when I have to be up so early tomorrow. It made me very sleepy. So, expect another obligatory “what did you get?” type post tomorrow. And to all a good night

It’s 10pm and I’m still in shock that it’s Christmas Eve. It surely doesn’t feel like it. The only thing that feels right is 24 hours of A Christmas Story marathon, which is currently on my tv and will stay on it until we leave for dinner with family tomorrow afternoon. Otherwise…. it just doesn’t feel like it. I got a late start with my shopping this year. Late start with next to no money. I wish I could’ve done more but….everyone will have something to open. That’s all that matters. I’ll be so glad when things get back to “normal” at work. One more week of possible holiday craziness. And then the first week of January starts off inventory. 3 days straight of working overnight, 9pm-3am, and then things should slow down a bit. And then I can get back to focusing on finding a second job. 2012…. Has got to be the year of good things to come. Well, enough of this. Back to the movie!

For the past two-three years, I’ve had back problems. At first it was mainly my lumbar area. And I was on pain medications to help manage it because it would get so bad. I was also getting MRI’s done to see how severe it was. I was attempting to keep it to a manageable level so that I could still work and do physical activities without being in too much pain. Hip hop class actually helped with it. There were times when I knew I over did it, but for the most part it helped keep my muscles busy and as healthy as possible. And then I moved here. I no longer had doctors to help and keep me on a pain regimen. I couldn’t afford to go to a doctor since I didn’t have insurance. So I just dealt with it. And then I noticed issues revolving around sciatica. Nothing like walking and suddenly having a sharp pinching pain shoot from your bum to back of the leg. There’s days when I avoid walking or standing as long as I have to. Between the sciatica and lumbar issues I start to feel older than my actual age. If I sit down at work it takes me a bit to straighten up because I’m locked in a certain position. But still, I deal with it. I have insurance now so I’ve been researching doctors, but still not worrying too much because the idea of having to get to know a new doctor makes me really nervous. I really liked my doctors in San Diego. I had a good relationship with them. I didn’t have to worry about trying to explain everything because they just knew. I was comfortable. Anyway, I think it’s getting to be time for me to suck it up and get acquainted with a doctor. I’ve noticed that things seem to be getting worse today. I’d be working and the pain would shoot to like… the middle of my bum and cause a really rapid muscle spasm. I had a hard time walking today because of that. I kept trying to walk normal even when the weird spasms would happen. I didn’t want customers to look at me and wonder WTF was going on. And then I had to walk a little bit extra because my bus driver had to take a detour to get to my stop.
I was so glad to come home and just lay down. I’m off for the next two days so hopefully I can take advantage of the time and rest my body. But I don’t want to be confined to the couch the entire time either. Another thing I’ve noticed it the side of my leg goes numb. I freaked a bit the other day when I went to touch it for whatever reason, and it was totally numb all up one side. It was such a WEIRD feeling. I don’t know if it was just a weird fluke, or if it’s associated with everything else…I just hate these pains, and the new ones I’m experiencing. I kinda wish I knew someone who goes through this so I could get some advice. Yes, I obviously need to see a doctor. But I’d also just like to talk to someone I know. I used to know someone who went through it. I remember how painful it was for them. At the time I just tried to understand, but nowadays I definitely DO understand. I do different stretching exercises when I can but I think I need more than that. Not that I want to have to go back to relying on pain meds, but if it helps me get around then I may have to take a little bit of help in that direction. I have a really LOW pain tolerance. But I’ve learned to take on a LOT since moving here, and not having the meds. to help me. I just need to suck it up and go to a doctor. What’s the point of having insurance if I don’t use it?

Well here we are. Sunday afternoon. Exactly one week until Christmas. And I can say without a doubt, I am feeling very…neutral. I’m not excited. Nothing major is going to be happening. I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting the one thing I wanted this year. And it’s definitely something that can’t be wrapped. Maybe next year. Every year it’s the same thing. Maybe next year will be different. Maybe things will be better. Maybe this, or maybe that. Oh well. Meanwhile, I’m relaxing while watching The Polar Express and trying to clear my mind. Way too many thoughts running around up there. And I’m pretty bummed because I wasn’t able to renew F-K or the hosting. I probably wouldn’t have been able to until sometime next month. I’m not even sure if I can access my files or account to try to attempt to secure it a bit longer. I just can’t worry about it. And it’s probably for the best. But, having to let it go does make me a little sad. I’ll definitely renew this domain in a couple weeks. It’s a lot more affordable than trying to secure F-K AND the hosting for it. It is what it is. And now that I’ve gotten distracted and need to start dinner… This entry ends… Now. Buhbye!

I’ve been meaning to blog but I’ve had no real subject to talk about. I couldn’t even come up with a worthy subject line. I’m trying to be more active with this but to be honest, there’s nothing worth talking about. December is going by pretty quickly. It’s been having it’s ups and downs. Between not getting many hours at work ever so suddenly, to having my heart ripped apart once again, and still feeling the effects of that, not really knowing what’s going to happen for Christmas and New Years, school/financial aid stresses, and just general bouts of blah-ness. I haven’t felt very chatty. I’ve been doing ok though. I could be handling things a lot worse, but I’m still keeping some sense of hope within me. I just fall into moments of wanting to just go to sleep and sleep forever. But I don’t want to let certain things defeat me. I figure it’s just another one of life’s tests that will bring me to something better. I keep telling myself that anyway. Tis the season to be jolly? Yeah, it’s a work in progress.

….To make me happy. It honestly doesn’t. Granted I’ve been having an off day today. I woke up feeling a bit gloomy and I can’t really figure out why. I’m just chalking it up to a bad day and moving on with my life. One easy way to cheer me up, is to show certain movies on tv that bring out the inner child in me. I am currently watching The Santa Clause for the uhhh 5th time this holiday season? And then 30 minutes after this movie ends, The Polar Express will be on. I’m stoked! These two movies are up there in my top 5 of all time favorite Christmas movies. With A Christmas Story being number 1! And that is safe and sound in my Amazon video library, for me to watch whenever I want to. I love Christmas shows. Even when I’m feeling down and pretty darn pathetic for it, I can always turn to these movies to cheer me up. Even if for just a little bit.

Wow… two entries in one day? It must be all the coffee I drank today

I’ve had a few people ask me what I am asking for, for Christmas (Giftmas) this year. And at least 3/4′s of those people were shocked to hear me say that I wasn’t asking for anything. I haven’t made a Christmas wish list in at least three years. The closest I ever come to it, is my list on Elfster. But that’s for Secret Santa so I can justify it. But to make a list, to give to no one, because I haven’t actually had a Christmas that involved exchanging gifts in quite a while. I’m sure my family will exchange a few little things, but nothing that warrants a list. Last I checked, I have no significant other, and no children, so the need for a list is really not there. It’s not about presents for me. I just wish I had people to do fun Holiday related things with. Can I put that on a wish list? If so then there ya go. I wish for friends, that lived near me. I wish for someone who would want to invest some time in me. I wish I could help my family with the financial struggles a lot more than I do right now.

Meanwhile, I am planning/pricing a few things that I would like to get for myself, after the holidays. Probably around tax time, if I get anything back. I’m definitely going to be investing in Just Dance. I’d like all three since they all seem really fun. But I think I’m going to get the third one and work on the other two later. My tv is dying in its old age, so because Kmart offers layaway year around, I’m finally going to upgrade tvs sometime next month. I would’ve done that already, but even if I don’t really have many to shop for this year, I wouldn’t feel right getting something for myself now, when it can surely wait until after Christmas is over. Someone had mentioned maybe getting me an iPhone but due to circumstances that definitely isn’t happening. I am in desperate need for a new hair cut. My hair has grown out in one hell of a wonky way. That might actually be something I get taken care of soon, as in, my next check.

It’s kinda unnerving to see someone stressing so much about what they’re going to ask for, on Twitter. If that’s the biggest problem in your life, consider yourself very lucky, very selfish, very materialistic, or all of the above. When people ask me what I’d want for Christmas, I can’t ever give an answer. I feel really weird trying to answer that question.

You know what I really want? Someone to take me around to the neighborhoods with Christmas lights. We’d pack up the car, load up with Christmas cookies, hot chocolate, and Christmas music on the radio, and just drive around.
Happy Christmas memories are better than any gift found under a Christmas tree.