I wasn’t really going to blog about this, because while it’s something that’s been on my mind. It’s an issue I struggle to find the right words to talk about. I have this problem at times anyway. I’ll want to explain a certain way that I am at times, and words simply fail me. And then I go back and re-read what I’ve said and it makes no sense. Not to me anyway. But, while I’m feeling so “chatty” I’m going to get this out of my system.

To everyone out there. Guys AND ladies. Just because a person has days where they don’t feel pretty, or they’re having a really bad day and call themselves ugly. Does not mean that they are weak! I repeat. A moment of self doubt does not make a person weak!

So what is causing this blog entry? A situation that happened, and became part of the reason why a specific person and myself, did not continue…whatever the hell it was that we were doing. Dating? I guess.

A few weeks ago I had been talking to someone, who at the time was a possible person I’d eventually attempt dating. But due to distance issues, I never really took it that seriously. Not that I ever led this person on. They knew right away, the situation that I was in. Now, we had been talking since around the end of July. And we’d talk about the what if’s.. What if I happened to be in their town… what if they happened to be in mine. And one night it turned into a very lengthy…deep conversation. This person was getting a bit persistant and down right annoying about the whole situation. I had also made the person aware that I was currently attempting dating someone who actually lives here. Rather than like 7 hours away. So it was never a secret. Well this night when all of this crap happened, the fact that I was specifically saying NO to certain “desires” meant that I was obviously just leading this person on. When no, I had been honest and upfront all along. Since distance was such an issue, we’d just enjoy talking to each other, and that’s it. Nope, now all of a sudden there must be something wrong with me for me not to want to make the effort to go there (somewhere in the panhandle of Florida) to see this person. Why wouldn’t I want to shell out money to fly or take a bus up there just to have a fling? Specifically, a one night stand. Well, I got tired of being harassed about this whole situation. I ended the conversation, and I went to bed. The next morning, I woke up to some really nasty messages waiting for me. by text and a few other messages on Facebook. Basically I must really just be a very ugly fat ass girl who is so desperate to get attention. I get what I want and then drop the person who’s just trying to be “nice”. If that’s your version of nice? Wow. A few messages echoing how fat and ugly I am kinda stuck in my head. While I try not to let people get to me, I have enough of my own issues dealing with my weight and how I feel about myself. But I can also see the good parts of who I am too. However, that day, I woke up feeling off, not feeling so wonderful, and then reading that, over and over again. I felt angry, bitter and bitchy and I voiced a bit of it on my Facebook. Specifically (and perhaps immaturely) because this person was still friended on there, and I knew they’d see it. I’d let them see how I felt shortly before removing and blocking them for good. Well, the person I was currently trying to date read it, and took it the WRONG way. This person had commented “No you’re not” to me voicing how amused I was that someone had to tell me how ugly and fat I am in a message just because they weren’t getting their way. And when current date person posted saying that I’m not, I was still very ticked off and sarcastically said “Yeah I am” and something along the lines of how yeah I am fat. I’m not exactly cutting myself down. I can REALIZE the fact that I’ve gained weight. It’s not a slam. Why be in denial? It’s something I know that I can work on and fix. But the fact that I called myself “ugly” and “fat” in the current person’s eyes, made them think that I am weak. We’ll just refer to this person as “M” to avoid further confusion. M is looking for a strong woman and obviously I have a lot of issues, to call myself that. Now to back up a bit, that same day, I had tried to talk to M but I was getting the silent treatment. M was pretty upset over me calling myself such horrible things. And even though I tried to explain the situation. It wasn’t making it ok. Trying to explain that I simply had a BAD day and after ranting about it for it a bit, I was fine. Like, no one is allowed to have to have a bad day and think icky of themselves. Bad days don’t exist and you are never allowed to have an “ugly” day. I might have taken this a constructive criticism. Because truly, we should feel better about ourselves. And for the most part, I am ok in my own skin. But like I’ve said. I have bad days, just like ever other person out there. When it came down to it. The fact that this person totally shut me out of their life, and wouldn’t speak to me, because of this bad day… It really made me realize what type of person this M really is. And the saying really applies here. If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best. Just because you wake up every day feeling like you are attractive and everything is AWESOME about you, doesn’t make you so much better than me, for having one day of struggle. Especially considering, the last time we had a “lunch date” M was in such a rotten mood. I didn’t want to be around this person. But I chalked it up to a bad day, I accepted it, and I tried to make things better. But I knew things were a bit off after that day anyway. Anywho going back to the whole thing. When I contacted M about the situation, and found out that the reason why I was getting the silent treatment, was because of that status message that was left WEEKS ago. I couldn’t believe something like that was being held over my head for so long. If you get angry and call things off for something as minor as that…. Good luck finding that “strong” person you want to find. You’re really not all that strong yourself. If you want to know the truth.. Or my opinion. You choose.

My whole point to this really long entry is….. Don’t fault a girl (or guy) for having moments where they feel bad about themselves. I deal with depression, and other “issues” every day of my life. Yeah I feel ugly on many days. Should I be punished for that? Don’t act like you are SO MUCH better just because you never go through days like that. Congrats. You have obviously never dealt with severe depression before. I have good days and bad days. Is anyone truly going to be “strong” enough to accept me for that? Or am I destined to be alone because something in me, at times, makes it hard to be happy?