It’s 10pm and I’m still in shock that it’s Christmas Eve. It surely doesn’t feel like it. The only thing that feels right is 24 hours of A Christmas Story marathon, which is currently on my tv and will stay on it until we leave for dinner with family tomorrow afternoon. Otherwise…. it just doesn’t feel like it. I got a late start with my shopping this year. Late start with next to no money. I wish I could’ve done more but….everyone will have something to open. That’s all that matters. I’ll be so glad when things get back to “normal” at work. One more week of possible holiday craziness. And then the first week of January starts off inventory. 3 days straight of working overnight, 9pm-3am, and then things should slow down a bit. And then I can get back to focusing on finding a second job. 2012…. Has got to be the year of good things to come. Well, enough of this. Back to the movie!

For the past two-three years, I’ve had back problems. At first it was mainly my lumbar area. And I was on pain medications to help manage it because it would get so bad. I was also getting MRI’s done to see how severe it was. I was attempting to keep it to a manageable level so that I could still work and do physical activities without being in too much pain. Hip hop class actually helped with it. There were times when I knew I over did it, but for the most part it helped keep my muscles busy and as healthy as possible. And then I moved here. I no longer had doctors to help and keep me on a pain regimen. I couldn’t afford to go to a doctor since I didn’t have insurance. So I just dealt with it. And then I noticed issues revolving around sciatica. Nothing like walking and suddenly having a sharp pinching pain shoot from your bum to back of the leg. There’s days when I avoid walking or standing as long as I have to. Between the sciatica and lumbar issues I start to feel older than my actual age. If I sit down at work it takes me a bit to straighten up because I’m locked in a certain position. But still, I deal with it. I have insurance now so I’ve been researching doctors, but still not worrying too much because the idea of having to get to know a new doctor makes me really nervous. I really liked my doctors in San Diego. I had a good relationship with them. I didn’t have to worry about trying to explain everything because they just knew. I was comfortable. Anyway, I think it’s getting to be time for me to suck it up and get acquainted with a doctor. I’ve noticed that things seem to be getting worse today. I’d be working and the pain would shoot to like… the middle of my bum and cause a really rapid muscle spasm. I had a hard time walking today because of that. I kept trying to walk normal even when the weird spasms would happen. I didn’t want customers to look at me and wonder WTF was going on. And then I had to walk a little bit extra because my bus driver had to take a detour to get to my stop.
I was so glad to come home and just lay down. I’m off for the next two days so hopefully I can take advantage of the time and rest my body. But I don’t want to be confined to the couch the entire time either. Another thing I’ve noticed it the side of my leg goes numb. I freaked a bit the other day when I went to touch it for whatever reason, and it was totally numb all up one side. It was such a WEIRD feeling. I don’t know if it was just a weird fluke, or if it’s associated with everything else…I just hate these pains, and the new ones I’m experiencing. I kinda wish I knew someone who goes through this so I could get some advice. Yes, I obviously need to see a doctor. But I’d also just like to talk to someone I know. I used to know someone who went through it. I remember how painful it was for them. At the time I just tried to understand, but nowadays I definitely DO understand. I do different stretching exercises when I can but I think I need more than that. Not that I want to have to go back to relying on pain meds, but if it helps me get around then I may have to take a little bit of help in that direction. I have a really LOW pain tolerance. But I’ve learned to take on a LOT since moving here, and not having the meds. to help me. I just need to suck it up and go to a doctor. What’s the point of having insurance if I don’t use it?

Well here we are. Sunday afternoon. Exactly one week until Christmas. And I can say without a doubt, I am feeling very…neutral. I’m not excited. Nothing major is going to be happening. I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting the one thing I wanted this year. And it’s definitely something that can’t be wrapped. Maybe next year. Every year it’s the same thing. Maybe next year will be different. Maybe things will be better. Maybe this, or maybe that. Oh well. Meanwhile, I’m relaxing while watching The Polar Express and trying to clear my mind. Way too many thoughts running around up there. And I’m pretty bummed because I wasn’t able to renew F-K or the hosting. I probably wouldn’t have been able to until sometime next month. I’m not even sure if I can access my files or account to try to attempt to secure it a bit longer. I just can’t worry about it. And it’s probably for the best. But, having to let it go does make me a little sad. I’ll definitely renew this domain in a couple weeks. It’s a lot more affordable than trying to secure F-K AND the hosting for it. It is what it is. And now that I’ve gotten distracted and need to start dinner… This entry ends… Now. Buhbye!

I’ve been meaning to blog but I’ve had no real subject to talk about. I couldn’t even come up with a worthy subject line. I’m trying to be more active with this but to be honest, there’s nothing worth talking about. December is going by pretty quickly. It’s been having it’s ups and downs. Between not getting many hours at work ever so suddenly, to having my heart ripped apart once again, and still feeling the effects of that, not really knowing what’s going to happen for Christmas and New Years, school/financial aid stresses, and just general bouts of blah-ness. I haven’t felt very chatty. I’ve been doing ok though. I could be handling things a lot worse, but I’m still keeping some sense of hope within me. I just fall into moments of wanting to just go to sleep and sleep forever. But I don’t want to let certain things defeat me. I figure it’s just another one of life’s tests that will bring me to something better. I keep telling myself that anyway. Tis the season to be jolly? Yeah, it’s a work in progress.

….To make me happy. It honestly doesn’t. Granted I’ve been having an off day today. I woke up feeling a bit gloomy and I can’t really figure out why. I’m just chalking it up to a bad day and moving on with my life. One easy way to cheer me up, is to show certain movies on tv that bring out the inner child in me. I am currently watching The Santa Clause for the uhhh 5th time this holiday season? And then 30 minutes after this movie ends, The Polar Express will be on. I’m stoked! These two movies are up there in my top 5 of all time favorite Christmas movies. With A Christmas Story being number 1! And that is safe and sound in my Amazon video library, for me to watch whenever I want to. I love Christmas shows. Even when I’m feeling down and pretty darn pathetic for it, I can always turn to these movies to cheer me up. Even if for just a little bit.

Wow… two entries in one day? It must be all the coffee I drank today

I’ve had a few people ask me what I am asking for, for Christmas (Giftmas) this year. And at least 3/4′s of those people were shocked to hear me say that I wasn’t asking for anything. I haven’t made a Christmas wish list in at least three years. The closest I ever come to it, is my list on Elfster. But that’s for Secret Santa so I can justify it. But to make a list, to give to no one, because I haven’t actually had a Christmas that involved exchanging gifts in quite a while. I’m sure my family will exchange a few little things, but nothing that warrants a list. Last I checked, I have no significant other, and no children, so the need for a list is really not there. It’s not about presents for me. I just wish I had people to do fun Holiday related things with. Can I put that on a wish list? If so then there ya go. I wish for friends, that lived near me. I wish for someone who would want to invest some time in me. I wish I could help my family with the financial struggles a lot more than I do right now.

Meanwhile, I am planning/pricing a few things that I would like to get for myself, after the holidays. Probably around tax time, if I get anything back. I’m definitely going to be investing in Just Dance. I’d like all three since they all seem really fun. But I think I’m going to get the third one and work on the other two later. My tv is dying in its old age, so because Kmart offers layaway year around, I’m finally going to upgrade tvs sometime next month. I would’ve done that already, but even if I don’t really have many to shop for this year, I wouldn’t feel right getting something for myself now, when it can surely wait until after Christmas is over. Someone had mentioned maybe getting me an iPhone but due to circumstances that definitely isn’t happening. I am in desperate need for a new hair cut. My hair has grown out in one hell of a wonky way. That might actually be something I get taken care of soon, as in, my next check.

It’s kinda unnerving to see someone stressing so much about what they’re going to ask for, on Twitter. If that’s the biggest problem in your life, consider yourself very lucky, very selfish, very materialistic, or all of the above. When people ask me what I’d want for Christmas, I can’t ever give an answer. I feel really weird trying to answer that question.

You know what I really want? Someone to take me around to the neighborhoods with Christmas lights. We’d pack up the car, load up with Christmas cookies, hot chocolate, and Christmas music on the radio, and just drive around.
Happy Christmas memories are better than any gift found under a Christmas tree.

Well…. For reasons that don’t need to be shared on here, date night isn’t happening. I’ll be honest. I’m pretty bummed. While the reason isn’t because of me, or anything pertaining to me, I can’t help but feel like I’ve been rejected yet again. Oh well. The aspect of the whole getting ready, what to wear, being nervous, wondering how it would go, was kinda fun. But it’s over. I’m trying to pick myself up and try to have a good start to the weekend. I’ll admit I’m struggling. What’s NOT helping is this fluctuating feeling of fever mixed with uber druggedness, though I’ve surely not taken a single thing. I’ll get over it and move on just like I always do. But I’ll have the nagging feeling of wondering if I’m just not meant to find someone… Not pretty enough… Too fat… Not enough of this…too much of that. I’m a girl. I have feelings…emotions… I am human. But.. I will dust myself off and move on. That’s what I always do. And how can I not be even the slightest bit happy? I’ve got a cute little cuddly cat asleep on me right this very moment. Best date ever

Woo it’s December! With the end of NaBloPoMo, I decided to start off December with a fun little Christmasy theme. I obviously didn’t make it. But I like it. It works until I actually DO finally make one. I couldn’t not deck the walls of my website. Speaking of websites. I’m faced with my annual dilemma. To renew my most prized domain possession, which I don’t really use anymore. Fiesty-kitty.net expires in four days. Every year I go through the same thing. Renew domain/hosting? Let it go? Move on? I’ve had the domain since 2004 so it’s got a bit of history wrapped up with it. But it also has bad memories and lousy mistakes buried in as well. So I’ll contemplate what to do for a while. And then next month. Whoa… so weird to think that next month is January. Wowzers. I had to stop and think about that for a moment. Anywho, next month, I have to renew this domain. That’s an obvious no brainer. I’m pretty content with this one.

Oh well. I have plenty of time to think about this, and other things. I’m now off for the next five days. No clue what the heck I’ll be doing with those five days. Going out tomorrow night. After that, I’ve got nothing. I’ll enjoy sleeping in. That’s a definite OH YES. But otherwise eh… I’d really rather be working, and making money. But I’ll do the best I can to make these next few days as worthwhile as possible. Back to watching The Santa Clause!

I was sitting here trying to think of a witty subject line, to end my month long journey through NaBloPoMo. And that’s all that I could come up with. And it made me hungry for the wrap I used to get at the place near my old job. Talk about random! Anywho…. I can’t believe it! I actually managed to blog every single day in November! I’m glad to see it come to an end, but at the same time, I’m glad I gave it a try. For the most part, I’d like to think that all of my entries had some meat to them. There’s only so much I can and will talk about these days so there were times when I did struggle. I’m also trying to be careful with how lengthy entries are. All in all. It was a fun challenge. Now onward to December! I’m pretty hopeful. Aside from a few stresses at work, I feel pretty good about things to come. It’s the holiday season. My room is looking Christmasy. The house is too! There are Christmas lights being put up outside! I’m dating. I have a date on Friday night. I’ve got fun things to look forward to. Yeah, I think December will be a good month. Can you believe we’re just about at the end of 2011? Talk about years flying by. 2012 still feels so far away. But ready or not, it’s on its way!
And with that said… Goodbye NaBloPoMo. I may join in on a few monthly themes, but for now, it’s back to reality and the not so regular postings. It’s been fun!

I am thankful #30, That I can truly think of many things, that I am thankful for, and smile about it. Once upon a time I definitely couldn’t have even given you one. But while I still deal with daily battles, I can truly sit back, at the end of the day, and feel blessed in many many ways. Take care kiddos!

So I’m on day 5 of a 7 day work week and I’m still feeling pretty good. Waking up at 4:45am is not fun, but once I get moving I’m pretty good to go. Lately I have been desiring coffee though. But I’ve come to learn that it’s pretty much impossible to drink coffee and work. Not the way I used to when I was working in an office. Sometimes… I really miss those days! Although during those days coffee was my BFF and I go pretty hooked on it. I stopped drinking it for the longest time but nowadays I’m slowly but surely craving it again. Not simply because of the caffeine, but the taste. The first sip of a fresh HOT brewed cup of coffee is so good! I wish there was a coffee place w/in a close enough proximity to work so that I could get a cup to take but there aren’t any within a close enough walking distance. I could make some at home… If I had a coffee maker. There is one in the house but it’s occupied by someone else every morning. I like the one that we have at work. But it’s not really intended for us to use, as I’ve come to learn. It’s not very time friendly when you have to run across the second floor to get water. It’s one of those nice Keurig one cup deals. I’ve been wanting to get my own ever since I got acquainted with one my friend has up in Maryland. But the price tag has yet to work with my budget. I do like the concept of having so many different varieties to choose from, one cup at a time. So perhaps Santa will read this blog entry. Dear Santa, I’d tell you I was a good girl this year but… well why mention the already known? Hey, at least I’m being honest! So, if you happen to swing by my neighborhood, perhaps you can drop a shiny new Keurig pot down under my Christmas tree? I’ll even be sure to leave some cookies and milk on a plate for you! Well.. perhaps the cookies on a plate, and the milk in a glass Ah, you know what? Maybe you should just send me some sleep. lol! Have a good one kids.

I am thankful #29, For my weird sense of humor during times that are kinda stressful.