I’ve been job hunting for over a year, as I tend to express over and over again. Between not getting any offers, or getting offers in locations I can’t get to, and dealing with the stress of drawing unemployment, I have to figure out a next step. I never wanted to be a paid blogger, but I guess that’s the route I’m going to have to go for now. I don’t get a lot of traffic here anyway. However if I start getting offers I’ll have the disclosures and all that good stuff. Just wanted to give a warning to the one or two who visit my site. I’m just trying to find ways to help me earn a little bit so I can continue to help my family out as well as pay my own bills. And I’m also trying to do this the smartest way possible, without having it affect every outlet I have online. I refuse to do twitter ads because I personally would be afraid to click the links, therefore I’d never subject another to them. At least if I can just keep it confined to my blog I can keep some order while regaining some sort of sanity knowing I’m earning money the honest way.

It’s been a year and 1 week since I had a job. I’ve been applying for jobs for well over that. I apply for jobs I know I’m qualified for, jobs I would rather not do, and jobs I’m sure I have no shot at, but it’s worth a try anyway. Rejection. Do you know how painful it is to get such calls like “Yes, I was looking over your resume, you have a lot of very good skills that we’ve been looking for, but unfortunately we decided to go with someone else.” or, “Yes, You have some very impressive skills, and your typing speed is VERY impressive! But unfortunately we feel that you are too qualified for this position” uh…. WHAT…. I’m… OVER qualified? I’m not asking to make top dollar…. I’ll start at the bottom here…. too… over….qualified….. I’m too good at what…. my typing speed? my customer service skills? The fact that I know how to turn on a computer? I can grin and offer a cup of coffee or a glass of water? Hmmm… Ok…… This is so discouraging.

I get rejected for RETAIL jobs too. You want to know how many times I’ve applied at Walmart, Target, Big Lots, Walgreens, Family Dollar, Dollar General, Gas stations, convenience stores, Lowe’s, Home Depot, Sam’s Club, mom and pop type stores….

I just……………………………. ugh.

It’s not like I purposely go out of my way to find misery. I don’t try to screw up when things start to go good in my life. I prefer to feel like I’m accomplishing something every day and not just merely existing. Temp job is over. The position I was supposed to take on was given to someone who came in from another state. So it’s back to the effing job hunt all over again. My stomach hurts and I’m stressing bad. Plus I’m sad. I’ve submitted a LOT of resumes and have gotten 2 call backs but am stuck in a game of phone tag now. I just want to establish myself in a job and feel secure. Living life feeling like a failure hurts. What’s frustrating is the girl I had been covering for who came back, had mentioned on her Facebook that she’s putting in her 2 week notice (today) which would mean that her spot would open again. If so then maybe they’ll take me back. I hated the commute very much. But I liked the fact that while I was learning so many different tasks, I was catching on really fast. I was proud of myself. Do you know how hard it is for me to find pride in myself? It was very short lived and now the usual failure has crept on back. I don’t want to be a failure. There’s so many things I want to change in my life but now I’m having a hard time trying to find the strength to fight harder to make those changes. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I guess I keep looking and hope that someone finds me worth the time to hire me instead of this temp. garbage. Only time will tell.

What a day! I’m actually having reasons to start blogging again. Imagine that!
So I went to work today and got situated in my new temporary desk. Was NOT happy. It was in the corner wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy in the back of the building. I felt very cramped and claustrophobic. I didn’t have the really nice spiffy monitors that I had yesterday but eh.. It was a desk, it was set up with my work account and all that, and it was another day of pay. They had a party in the dept. which involved pie and lunch. I wasn’t invited. I had to endure sitting next to all the festivities going on and the omg amazing smell of Mexican food. They even shut the door to prevent being too noisy to other Units. One guy asked if I wanted anything but….. he wasn’t the one who purchased the stuff and I wasn’t about to crash a party since I wasn’t a part of that Unit. Anyway……………………. I got the work that needed to be done before I exit Unit 10. Then I get a call at 2:30 from my current Supervisor letting me know that they were going to be doing the interview at 3:30 so.. don’t panic! and Good Luck! Aye……………………….. These interviews are SO nerve wracking. Being asked a print out full of questions in front of multiple people is soooooooooooo scary. They repeated SOME from the original interview but asked new ones since I’ve been there for 2 weeks. Then it ended and I went back to my desk. I took a break sorta… I kinda kept pacing between the break room and my desk. Then right before 4 one of the HR managers who conducted both interviews came and got me and brought me to her office. NERVES NERVES NERVES! I’ll spare you the agony. I got the position I start tomorrow. It’s working for the “First Legal” unit which from what they say is like one of the MOST important Units because of how critical it is to input everything right the first time and all this other stuff. Work volume is very very high. I will be extremely busy. This is a regular position. Not just filling in for someone now. This is temp to hire. That’s what my goal was. I will continue to be paid as a temp (with not so great pay) for 60 days. Then they will decide if they want to keep me, if I fit the position, if I’m happy etc, and then that’ll be my shot at being hired on as a permanent employee. The next 60 days are very critical. I have to watch my absences, keep up the massive work load I put out each day, and work ethic. I can do this. I know I can. I’m just nervous because it’s learning a LOT more at a much faster pace, and learning new people as well. But thank fricken goodness. I feel like I’m celebrating getting hired all over again. It’s just funny because IT had to move me from one desk, to the one I was at today. Each desk has a name card on the top side area with your name and desk number on it. The IT guy didn’t switch mine to where I was at today until after 2ish I think? Then at like 5 to 5 right as I was getting ready to leave for the day a guy from IT came over to ask how long I was staying today because they needed to get me switched over to my new desk. SO funny! Ok it was to me and Bill, the guy I was working next to. He was funny. I came back from pacing before the interview and he was kinda looking at me and I was like ok… these interviews never get easier! he was like ohhh interview? I said yeah 1st Legal. he was like “OH that’s a good thing right!” I was like I hope so! When I came back from the interview he was like “you got the job” I was like nope I get to wait to find out now. Then I went to speak with HR and he was like “You got ittttttt!” and I came back and he was like “Told ya” haha. Felt kinda good.. didn’t feel like the oddball outsider. Now to establish myself for real. I’ve been kinda timid because it’s hard to be a temp. But temp to hire is a bit easier and I feel like i can actually get myself situated at my desk and all that. (Note to self: bring desk calendar tomorrow!) I’m so stoked

Anyway after that I went and picked up my much much much needed prescriptions. Who knew 4 ‘scripts would wind up being cheaper WITHOUT insurance? I was worried but yeah….. I saved almost half compared to if I had insurance. Go figure. So I have my 2 pain meds, anxiety meds, and sleeping meds. The anxiety meds will help me tomorrow. The daily stuff I’ve been taking (zoloft) isn’t doing it. The other stuff I have (xanax) will help for the sudden attacks I get. And to pain free will help with how distracted I have been getting because of my back. AND I will finally get a GOOD night of sleep thank you ambien!

Day turned around to be so good and it got better when I came home. My mom has been hinting around that she’s been talking to the Easter Bunny. She said he told her that he had goodies for me and my roommate. She emailed me today and said that she heard that the goodies should arrive at my house today. They did!
That Easter Bunny………………….. cookies and mint chocolate frog candies, and hard candies, and chocolate eggs, a magnet that says Faith, and an adorable fuzzy stuffed bunny. The bunny, chocolate eggs, magnet, and maybe frog candies are going with me to work tomorrow. I can’t open the cookies yet because I need something to put them in. They are so pretty! You might see a shot in my flickrfeed down below. What a great day I am very nervous about tomorrow but… I’m nervous about a job I have, rather than a job I don’t have.
Life? It’s pretty good to me sometimes. It’s UP from here

You never know how long it’s going to last. When I went into my job it was to cover for a girl who was on medical leave. They weren’t completely sure if she was coming back or not. She is. Tomorrow. Because of this, I have to leave the Unit. My Supervisor told me that this would have to happen because I was technically just covering for the girl, but that she had talked to the manager or whatever of another department (First Legal) and was working on getting me switched over there. Thought it would be happening tomorrow but guess what? I have to interview for the position. They were going to try to do the interview today but I guess it is waiting til tomorrow or whenever. So, starting tomorrow, til whatever happens, I’m wayyyyyyyyyyyyy in the back which they call the “West Wing” Over back behind the HR dept where an available desk is and continuing to work for my current Supervisor.
There’s going to be a LOT of changes within the next few weeks regarding the entire office so there’s no telling where I’ll be next. But… at least my current Supervisor sees potential in me and is trying to keep me there. She’s impressed with my typing skills and fast learning capability even with stuff that is very nerve wracking. I’ve been in charge of sending out a bunch of mailings to Citi and it’s subsidiaries. Very nerve wracking because I don’t want to screw up.
Anyway……………… at least I do still have a job…. but I’m a bit bummed. I was finally starting to open up and feel less shy around the ladies on the side of the Unit that I worked at. Sucked having to say see ya! Now I’ll be in a corner where I think a guy works….. We’ll see how it goes. I’m keeping positive and hopeful. It could be a lot worse.

After a very LONG day and managing to get lost trying to find the social security office downtown, I’m officially legal and able to work in the USA. I get to go back to work tomorrow! I know everyone was trying to help me while I was freaking out. Thank you for the support and advice. I was really worried because of dealing with so many hurdles the last few years. I’m thankful it’s taken care of. Now to rest for a bit

So those are the initials for my new job title. “Trustee Sales Secretary”
I had to be there at 8:30 this morning for orientation. The orientation included 3 other girls as well. We had to do one on one interviews with each other just to have like 3 minutes to kinda get the basics. Then we were shown a presentation about the company and other things. Well before that we got a tour of the building.
Ok so the cool things first: COFFEE MAKERS!!!!! At my old job coffee makers were not allowed. But they had coffee makers and fresh coffee all ready to go with plenty of back up in stock. Plenty of snacks and drinks in the vending machines, fridges, microwaves, a hot/cold water dispenser,a TV with cable. Pretty impressive.
Another cool thing is the dress code. It was always professional attire at the old place. Casual fridays every now and then. This place is business casual BUT their version of business casual is jeans and t-shirts as long as they don’t have anything offensive on them. Score! They do have to up the code a bit when clients are visiting but that doesn’t happen too often. This was a whirlwind day. Orientations with both the company I’m working for and the company that’s doing my payroll. I won’t get a check this week but starting next Friday I’ll get paid every Friday. That’ll be nice. Although I have no way of implementing direct deposit right now so my check will have to be mailed. I’m gonna try to get that taken care of asap. IF I get to stay………………….. having issues regarding having the materials needing for tax purposes. Long story but I’m hitting a lot of dead ends right now. I was born and raised in the USA. I’ve worked for the last 10-14 yrs of my life. I have plenty of check stubs to prove I am allowed to work here. I have W-2′s as well. Too bad I don’t have my social security card, or a passport, or birth certificate. And too bad the social security card genie can’t visit me tonight since certain people think it’s that simple. Not so simple when you have nothing..no money..no way to go anywhere to even try..can’t just ditch work but yet might not have a job anyway. Blah………..

Moving on………………… after orientation I was taken to where I’ll be working…Unit 10. There are a lot of units… a lot of people…. it was a bit overwhelming. I was introduced to various unit members in different sections. I was shown the desk I’ll be working at. I’ve never worked at a desk with dual monitors before. That is taking getting used to. I’m not used to having so many different programs that have to constantly be utilized like that. Thank goodness for those dual monitors. I wish I could’ve taken a picture of the desk but eh…. it may not matter anyway. It’s kinda weird working side by side but yet when I was focusing on handling the assignments I was pretty much in my own world.
Oh the next AWESOME thing? You’re allowed to listen to your ipod as long as it’s not blaring loud to the point that you can’t hear your supervisor or anyone speaking to you. AND you’re allowed to eat at your desk. Yeah these are big things when you’re used to having to sneak a little cup of oatmeal at your desk to keep your sugar levels from dropping. What else….
Ummmm I’m doing the whole security badge thing again. That I COULD take a picture of but who wants to see that? The building and parking are pretty much locked up tight. Even though I take the bus I still have to access the employee entrance via the fenced parking lot. You have to hit this passcode at the gate to get into the actual other side that let’s you go to the entrance into the building where you have to swipe your badge.

So much to process. I know I’m leaving stuff out….. They actually do different company things. St.Patrick’s Day (Wednesday?) They’re having a contest for the best green shirt, best green hat, and best green shoes. They’re also doing a bake sale fundraiser thing for Rady Children’s Hospital. Ummmmmmm…. they also give out discounts for movie theaters, Six Flags, and some other locations.

So so so so so so so much to process yet…………. it could all be over tomorrow.
It was a very long day. The commute is tiring. My head is feeling wiped out from processing so much information. But… I want the chance to see if I have what it takes to grow within the company. I’m just filling in for someone right now. But there’s still potential to either get hired permanently for that position or for a different one because of my experience and the experience I’m quickly gaining.
I hope there’s a way to work out the issues so that the worry on my mind will be lifted.

Now to wait to get sleepy enough to crash because one way or another tomorrow is still another work day and there’s a fresh cup of coffee waiting for me over there.

So.. I’ve kinda been sucking in the OMG update on the latest stuff. Most of you already know that I got hired for a job. I start tomorrow. I went all over Twitter, MySpace, Facebook, and various message boards but neglected to update places like this blog and my livejournal. I’ve had a pretty busy weekend that I think I’m still recovering from. My mind is pretty distracted right now. Why? Well it’s all because of a girl. (oh boy….) Remember a few blog posts ago I mentioned someone new in my life? Well she’s still there..sorta…. and doing nothing but occupying my thoughts. We had plans to go out Friday. I had to do pre-job stuff all day Friday and had just stepped off the bus at my stop here at home when there she comes walking up with bags of groceries and a bouquet of flowers. I definitely was not expecting that. We went out to eat, went to a couple bars, went on a road trip making a bit of a stop off over by the beach….., crashed in a Hilton………….. I didn’t go home til the next day. She did all these great things just when I’m trying to not even bother falling for her because we’re not wanting the same things. She goes and does all that. We shared something together that night. Wow did we ever….. But…. because she doesn’t live right here in SD it can’t happen. My heart and my head are not getting along right now. I’m getting nervous about the new job yet I keep thinking about Friday night. Ugh. It’s just not fair. I had such a good night. I hated to see it end. But eh.. it’s over. Now to focus on this new chapter in my life and put everything in me into this job. Gotta get her out of my thoughts somehow so that I can focus on other things. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe a cold shower is in order. Meh.

It’s 2 in the morning and I am no where near ready for sleep. I’ve done so much sleeping this week. I just feel like staying up all night til I pass out and then I’ll probably sleep the day away tomorrow. There goes having a normal sleep routine. But for the night I’m not going to worry about it.
I keep thinking about the things I’ll never do again. The things I’m actually going to miss. Granted it’s not like I won’t ever have to wake up early to go to work. But I won’t have the routine I was so used to for 3.5 years anymore. I won’t wake up at 5:50 and catch the 6:44 bus to Fashion Valley. I won’t catch the 7:02 bus to Hazard Center. I won’t call my mom as I head up Frazee Road. I won’t rush to Einstein’s to get my usual bagel and coffee before heading over to the building. No more greeting the security guard with a friendly hello and a smile. No taking the elevator to the 10th floor as I get ready for a new day. No more commenting “Didn’t we just leave?” I will never swipe my keycard which would let me into my department. No more turning on the scanner, inserting my smart card, and turning on my computer while unlocking the mail room and supply room. No normal work day routines. Bringing claim kits up to Toni, exchanging hellos, turning the page on my page a day Bad Cat calendar. Staring out the window and breathing a sigh of relief because another day has come where I’m very thankful to have a job. To have a GOOD job. I’ll never scan a policy,miscellaneous,claims color documents, new policies, rescans…. Workman’s comp doctypes are nothing but a memory. Things like CORR,INV,BIND/ISS,AUDDISP,AUDPHY,APP….. just jargon from here on out… No more taking my strolls at break time, wondering if the picketers are out there again. “Rats in the building, rats go home!” Wandering to the grocery store to get lunch then heading back for the second have of lunch. Sitting in the break room with the lunch room regulars. Killing time by talking to whoever’s covering lunch at the front desk. Happily leaving at 4:30 while the rest are envious. Heading to the trolley to either head home or to class. I won’t be able to talk to KiKi at Bean Voyage anymore. Gone.. everything is gone. Nothing but memories. I never thought I’d miss a job so much. I miss it like I miss a relationship. It’s still so surreal. I know I wasn’t the best at keeping good attendance. I let too much get to me in my personal life. But I gave the job my all regardless. I’ve dealt with a lot of hard times in the past couple years but I tried so hard not to let it hurt me. Believe it or not ex boss. I truly did value my job. I know I slipped up but I never wanted it to cause me to get fired. Good luck finding a replacement. You were shortstaffed before. Now you’ve shot yourself in the foot because you know I was always happy to help out with extra work and reaching goals. I was really excited to accomplish things that were sometimes near impossible. I liked being part of a company that was like family to me. You took that away from me. Goodbye PEIC.

I had a saved entry I was going to post but after proofreading it I decided not to. Just to keep the site updated I’ll give a short update.

1. No longer seeing anyone. I’m much too mentally f’ed up to even handle dating. I guess it’s for the best. but.. It’s lonely.

2. lost my job. Went to work Tuesday morning only to be sent home with my final pay check.

3. Back to the job hunting drawing board.

I feel very sad. I loved that job a lot and the people I worked with. Almost 4 years of memories and feeling like I had accomplished something has been wiped away. I feel very much like a failure. I’m alone and I’m feeling very hopeless. I’m having a hard time feeling positive about anything because I feel empty. I went from being thankful for having a job that fulfilled me. Now I’m left wondering what I’m going to do. I feel the worst kind of rejection and I’m scared.
I wish I had something good to blog about. February has turned out to be a very bad month and it’s only half over. I applied at a temp. agency today so I’m crossing everything that can be crossed that I hear back from them. I got my last job through a temp. agency. I would’ve gone through the same company but when I checked the job openings the only ones listed were for my last job. I’m going to miss my daily routines. I will never bitch about a job again. I’ll never complain about being SO busy and SO tired. I won’t take such things for granted. Not that I ever did before. But I surely won’t in the future. Please someone hire me. Make me feel like I deserve the air in my lungs again. I wish I had someone to hang out with so I can feel less invisible and more worthy of life. I wish I could make myself believe that everything will be ok. I just want to vanish. Failure is a horrible feeling.